


In my veins you should've stayed

by Sashaya



Series: Soulsearchers [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, F/F, Soulmates AU, Spoilers for ME3?, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-14
Updated: 2015-08-14
Packaged: 2018-04-14 17:22:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4573119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sashaya/pseuds/Sashaya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liara never asks about the beings with dark circles under their eyes, never asks what <i>soulcrashed</i> means, never asks <i>what happens after</i>?</p><p>(She should have.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	In my veins you should've stayed

**Author's Note:**

> _**Disclamier:**_ _I don't own any of the characters._
> 
> Unbeta-ed work. Warning: Spoilers found me. 
> 
> Work inspired by this wonderful piece of art: http://gaarak.tumblr.com/post/126656326644

There’s beauty in emptiness.

There’s a bittersweet feeling of _there should be something_ but it doesn’t matter much.

You can’t miss something you don’t know and Liara repeats it day after day, while her mother talks about the Melody, about soulsongs, about universe. 

“There’s a special melody waiting for you, Little Wing” Benezia says and kisses Liara’s head. 

Liara believes.

Liara never asks about the beings with dark circles under their eyes, never asks what _soulcrashed_ means, never asks _what happens after?_

(She should have.)

 

She’s a wanderer by the time a melody creeps in her mind, slow and quiet, still hesitant, careful of the world. She’s just understanding what it means, just wrapping her head around the idea of not being broken, just too early, when the melody picks up and it’s full of regret and unspoken anger.

Liara feels her soul reach out, soothe but there’s a galaxy between them and Liara keeps wandering.

 

Sometimes, the melody sings in her heart and she can feel her soul close. Sometimes she wakes up with a smile and dies slowly by the end of day, because the melody grows quiet again.

(She pretends she doesn’t know that her soul is running, running away from her. Ignorance is bliss and she holds it close at night.)

 

There was one time when the melody almost stopped and Liara held her breath, closed her eyes and begged and begged and begged ( _please, not again_ ).

She cried when the song started again, full of sadness and grief and mourning.

She didn’t try to reach them.

 

Liara hides behind awkward smiles and brain too big for one person and it feels enough, feels like maybe she might be good enough.

(She dreams of unforgiving eyes and gentle touch and she wakes up crying.

Her soulmate must be a monster.)

 

(She’s not wrong.)

 

Therum is a place on the end of the galaxy, close enough to say _I’m still here_ , far away for her soulmate to explore the worlds. 

Therum is a place she can get lost in the ruins, she can get lost in the knowledge long forgotten. And she spends days and weeks alone, pouring herself and her heart over the translations, over innovations from thousands years ago. 

Therum is a place, where she can see her mother’s sad smile and she feels empty, the way she did before.

(Sometimes she wishes the melody never started.)

 

It turns to hell, everything burns and there’s no-one alive even before Liara runs and hides. 

It’s a blessing, maybe a curse, when she shuts herself in the force field.

 

The human is dark and cold and brings her own melody with her. Liara pretends not to listen but she can, _there you are my soul, what took you so long_?

She turns her head away because Shepard’s eyes are hard and unforgiving.

Liara watches the madwoman with a gun, with scars on her face, the madwoman who jumps at the geth without any thought and who shrugs when she bleeds. 

Liara watches the perfect liar, the crazy heart full of compassion hidden behind the strongest armor, watches as Shepard makes sure her crew is alive.

 

Liara thought her soulmate is a monster.

(She’s not wrong.)

(She’s not right.)

 

Shepard is careful around her, she’s careful with the touches she so casually gives around. 

Shepard is carefree in a way she smiles at Liara and it feels almost perfect, almost good and Liara can’t ask for more. 

 

(She dreams of peace and love and she doesn’t want to wake up.)

 

Liara sees the darkness in her soulmate, sees the need for blood in Shepard’s actions. 

Liara sees the need to die in her soulmate’s eyes and it hurts, it hurts so much seeing her soul already so crashed. 

 

“Don’t lie to me” Shepard says to her, touches her and there’s peace and soothing silence in Liara’s mind. 

“I can’t” Liara smiles, feels herself grow bigger with Shepard’s love and it was worth the way, it was, but this could be as beautiful 15 years earlier. 

 

There’s no lies between them, only Wrex’s simple jokes and Garrus’ warm wishes. 

 

There’s no lies between them and Liara regrets she never made Shepard promise to never leave. 

 

The melody is dead in her mind, there’s no itching emptiness but a void. Emptiness in its worst form, emptiness of _having and losing_ and there’s nothing beautiful in the way Liara’s soul hurts. There’s nothing beautiful in the way her soul cries and screams and begs _not yet_.

 

Liara doesn’t cry – she’s too tired, too empty, it hurts too much – and she watches the cold stone, cold as Shepard’s eyes, empty eyes. There’s no spark of madness, not sign of bloodlust that made everything around look alive. 

Shepard the Hero, it says, and Liara would laugh if she still could because this is all Shepard never wanted, never wished for, everything she hated.

 

Liara wonders, looks at the sky and stars that they’ve seen and touched and wonders, _where are you now, my beautiful broken soldier? Is there a place for me?_

Liara never asked her mother _what if_ , never asked what she’s supposed to do now.

There’s a void in her mind and she’s not ready to fill it with anything. 

 

Shepard reaches for her in her dreams and steals her away the way she took her soul.

 

There’s nothing beautiful in death.


End file.
